homeless in cali and md

home: an environment offering security and happiness.

the holidays come and what do most people want? to go home. i am one of those people. in fact, we went “home” for thanksgiving. home to narrows….the small town where i grew up and my family still lives. while home, i got to catch up with a old, dear, friend. her name is debbie.
debbie & i went to school together. i don’t know how we became friends. i dont ever remember “getting to know” debbie. its like one day we barely knew each other and then the next day we were sharing secrets.
i think our fast friendship was due to our common dream to go on many adventures in life. or, our common fear of getting stuck in the small town of narrows. therefore, we both did everything we could think of that could better our chances of getting out. we played every sport available to girls at our high school (other than cheerleading). we were involved in every academic club or competition. we took every hard class offerred. and we graduated first and second in our class with our eyes set on college…aka, the great escape. in the process of chasing after our dreams, or running away from our fears, we became friends. something about spending 10-12 hours a day/5 days a week with a person, will cause you to bond.
we see much less of each other now. usually once a year, around a holiday when we have both returned to the town we spent many years trying to escape. but the bond is still there. this bond is different now….it has grown as we have. something is special about our friendship….something that i dont understand but is keeping us connected.
i have lost meaningful contact with every person i went to high school or college with, except for debbie. and lately when we do get to visit, there is a sense that we will be connected for a long time. though we live on opposite sides of the coast, i believe we are chasing the same dreams again (or running away from the same fears).
we are searching for home…

Tags: Life

my trip to narrows

well, its almost 4 am and i’m wide awake. dan & i went to bed around 12:00 or so, but i wasn’t able to drift off to dream land. thought i would sleep like a baby tonite because i’ve felt ill today….stuffy nose, nausea, and a slight fever. i took some tylenol cold…PM…and yet, i’m still awake.
we returned from narrows tonite. it was a strange trip, but, of course, they are always strange trips these days.
main events included: a miscarriage, a death, a house full of family trying not to act like strangers, a visit with a old friend who has a spirit that is weirdly and strongly connected to mine, always-loved stories with mama, good sibling time, and growing drift between me & my mom.
going home is such an emotional event for me….those who know me, realize that my emotions are naive and forgetful, often leading me to heartache. i romanticize what a trip home will be like. i picture my family sitting around at the table, everyone relaxed and being the people i love. we share our dreams, our pains, but mostly, the joy of life.
but, let’s skip to reality….
thanksgiving throws my grandmother & mom into super-hostess mode. it is hopeless to try to communicate with them because any response you get will not make sense due to the fact that they are high on 409 and other various cleaning products. in fact, the only thing i understood from my mom was that she has volunteered to work over the holiday weekend. needless to say, i barely saw my mom while i was in town (to visit her). my mom & i use to be so close and now we are like strangers who don’t know how to act around each other. i think that is where i get hurt the most on these trips to narrows. each time i think that it could be the magical trip where my mom & i actually interact like two adults.
anyway…moving on. i had awesome time with fawn & jarrett and my grandmother. it is easy to forget how powerful it is to be with them. there are things about me that i feel i have lost along the way of life…good things….things that i grief about. but, when i am with fawn & jarrett, i feel those things start to come alive again. most of all, my want to care for others and the drive to enjoy every moment to the fullest. i know it sounds cheesy…live life to the fullest! but that is what happens when i am with them. the dullest moments, the painful moments, the awkward moments, the joyous moments, the silly moments, the embarrassing moments….everything in life!!! everything in life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, is a meaningful opportunity. and when we are together we choose to explore that for all it is worth. most of the time we end up in tears or laughing hysterically. this time it was all laughs.
my grandmother…mama….is awesome. sometimes she is a little wound up….upset about the house being a mess or the blessed animals that “we need like another hole in our head!!!” but, when those times pass, then emerges this loving, wise, beautiful woman who has lead an amazing life full of adventures, pain, and sacrificial love. in these moments she enjoys life with us. she jokes with us. she tells her incredible (and sometimes long) stories. she shares her heart with us and we can share ours in return. from her this family has learned how to love. her legacy of love will carry on for generations.
i wish i could have had similar experiences with my mom over the holiday. maybe at Christmas.

Tags: Life

being thankful, even during heartache

today is thanksgiving and my family celebrated after learning that my cousin had a miscarriage last night and my brother in-law’s step mom lost her battle with cancer this morning. life is strange. today’s heartaches were a reminder of how precious life is and what a miracle family is……that is what i am thankful for this holiday.

Tags: Life

Thanksgiving

i am so excited about thanksgiving!! we leave tomorrow afternoon for narrows to see my family. i can hardly wait! to start the celebration a little early i found a story about the first thanksgiving that we are going to read tonite. i also found some thanksgiving craft ideas. most of them are for children, but i love the idea of a thanksgiving tree. what a neat thing this would be to do with a group of people….like, family? anyway, here are the directions. have a wonderful thanksgiving!

TREE Of THANKS
Supplies:
2 Paper Grocery Bags
Construction Paper (fall Colors)
Crayons, Markers, or Pencils
Glue
Scissors
Cut open the grocery bags so it lays flat. Cut out a tree trunk and branch shapes . Use colored paper and cut out leaf shapes. Have people write what they are thankful for on the leaves and hang them on the tree.

Tags: Life

what is going on?

lately i’ve been feeling restless. emotionally and spiritually unsettled. i don’t know why and i can’t even describe in detail what’s going on. but today i read something on the blog of an old friend that i found to be encouraging.

good to be reminded that I can change. My attitude affects the way I view life. Keeping God