Paused
Over the weekend I went to the beach. I needed to get away and have some time to myself. Being so close, the beach was an easy escape. But, there is no other place I would have rather gone because I know how Jarrett loved the beach. I guess part of me expected to go there and feel close to him because I know it was a place where he had fun. It was too windy and cold on the first day for me to do anything outside other than walk to get dinner. I spent that evening in my room, listening to music and attempting to write. Those few moments reminded me of his spirit. I know that if he had been there with me he would have convinced me to go outside. No one else would have been able to get me to leave the warmth of my room, but he would have done it easily and we would have gone out to play until I was exhausted.
My life has changed drastically and not by my own actions or decisions. I am full of disbelief as I try to comprehend that what I experience each day is now my life. A huge chunk of my existence is gone with Jarrett. We all have identities at the core of our being that define who we are and who we become. At my core I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, and a friend. I am “Jarrett’s big sister”. I know I will always have memories of Jarrett, but there is no future with him. How am I suppose to go on with life without him? My life and existence was having him be part of what defined me. I do not know how my life is going to continue without him. The past, present, and future have collided to form a mangled mess that I can’t pull apart. I look at a clock and see that minutes and hours pass by, but that has no meaning to me. I look at a calendar and see that more than a month has passed, but my brain can’t comprehend. Life was paused on that day.
