Paused
Over the weekend I went to the beach. I needed to get away and have some time to myself. Being so close, the beach was an easy escape. But, there is no other place I would have rather gone because I know how Jarrett loved the beach. I guess part of me expected to go there and feel close to him because I know it was a place where he had fun. It was too windy and cold on the first day for me to do anything outside other than walk to get dinner. I spent that evening in my room, listening to music and attempting to write. Those few moments reminded me of his spirit. I know that if he had been there with me he would have convinced me to go outside. No one else would have been able to get me to leave the warmth of my room, but he would have done it easily and we would have gone out to play until I was exhausted.
My life has changed drastically and not by my own actions or decisions. I am full of disbelief as I try to comprehend that what I experience each day is now my life. A huge chunk of my existence is gone with Jarrett. We all have identities at the core of our being that define who we are and who we become. At my core I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, and a friend. I am “Jarrett’s big sister”. I know I will always have memories of Jarrett, but there is no future with him. How am I suppose to go on with life without him? My life and existence was having him be part of what defined me. I do not know how my life is going to continue without him. The past, present, and future have collided to form a mangled mess that I can’t pull apart. I look at a clock and see that minutes and hours pass by, but that has no meaning to me. I look at a calendar and see that more than a month has passed, but my brain can’t comprehend. Life was paused on that day.
Isn’t it funny how our identies become fully entwined with the people we love? I don’t know that we comprehend that as kids- maybe just in relation with our parents, we’re THEIR kids. But as we get older, leave “the nest,” etc., we are defined by who is in our life. Which people made it past childhood friends and in to adult friends? Which family members are we still in contact with? Adult relationships are so much cooler because you realize that those people are shaping your life- and time is more important when you are an adult. It’s one of the cool things about growing old. I know what you mean when you say losing Jarrett has changed your identity- how could it not! We anticipate-somewhere in the back of our minds-living without our parents. But a sibling is a different story. We’re supposed to be with them forever. God I wish there was something to make this easier for you. Love ya and thinking about you often!
I remember not being able to understand how life could go on for everyone around me, when it wasn’t budging for me. I was stalled for a long time, and I still stall, but not as often, and not as long. Give yourself lots of time and grace.
As I look back at my life, negative drastic changes have all been caused by something other than my own actions or decisions. They humbled me and knocked me to my knees because I realized I had no control and I wasn’t who I thought I was any longer. Over a time period that lasted much too long, I realized life happens in seasons. As one season ends another begins. I realized nothing can take away the joys of the past seasons. I found I had a fresh start. I could make choices that brought me joy or sorrow but I still had the past to remember and build upon. Our faith and trust in God gives us great hope - our only true hope. I found that when it was time for me to un-pause, God started the new season. It was usually different than I could imagine but more than I could hope for. I agree with what Donna wrote, give yourself lots of time and grace - and believe… that’s what gets me going again.
When I think of you guys all I really have to relate with was my unexpected loss with my stepdad when he died suddenly of a heart attack at 41. Up until that point I never liked the man because mainly he married my mom…but all the past didn’t matter from that day forward.
I remember how time stopped. I remember how slow each minute was, I remember those moments walking my mom out to my truck from the hospital…getting in and just listening to her screams of total desperation…and there wasn’t a thing I could do. Over and over she kept saying “what are we going to do? what are we going to do?”
I seriously had no idea. My stepdad had quit his job at the navy a few years earlier to find nothing else but random labor jobs…so when he died no insurance, just leaving me with my $6 an hour job and my mom with her $9 an hour job…a mortgage, two car payments, and two years of accumulated credit card debt…hopeless? Hell yes.
Fast forward five years later…the air keeps going through my mom’s lungs, as does it through mine. My feet keep moving forward, one at a time…and I will still sometimes stop to remember, but not as often…and the pain, not as cutting.
This really isn’t much of a comment for hope as it is just a way of letting you know, life keeps moving and you will somehow make it through to the next day, no matter how impossible it seems. Love you guys.
-cj